The Devil's Retirement
A modern reflection inspired by Paul Harvey's prophetic 1965 broadcast
Hey there, devil here.
You know, Prince of Darkness.
This may come as a surprise, but I am finally announcing my retirement. Well, really that I've been retired for like 70 years, but I felt like it was time to clear the air.
No, I was not responsible for Charlie Kirk's murder. I was not responsible for 9/11, a bunch of stuff that George Bush did, et cetera.
But to understand that, I realize I have to do some explaining. So if you don't mind, here's some backstory.
You see, I worked overtime in the 1800s perfecting slavery and colonialism, making humans believe God ordained their cruelty. I nearly burned myself out in the 1940s. Germany was exhausting, but so rewarding. Wars that killed 75 million total. I thought that was my masterpiece.
But when America won, when they dropped those atomic bombs and became the righteous victors, I was spent. Exhausted. Ready to quit.
Then something beautiful happened—I realized I didn't need to work anymore.
The humans took over. You guys took over.
I'm astounded at what you've accomplished without me:
In the 1950s, you created television—I just wanted to corrupt theater, but you put a corruption box in every home. I was still writing plays. You guys moved faster than Hell's tech department.
In the 1960s, you guys did the whole free love thing, went crazy with drugs, kept saying "God is dead"—I couldn't have scripted it better. I actually took notes. Your Woodstock was more effective than my Black Mass.
In the 1970s, you legalized killing babies and called it women's rights. Even I hadn't thought of that one. My demons were like, "Boss, did you see what they just did?" And I was like, "I know, right?"
In the 1980s, you made greed good. Wall Street became your church. Cocaine became communion. I bought a condo in Miami just to watch. The parties were incredible.
In the 1990s, you connected every home to unlimited pornography and called it the Information Superhighway. I was still using mail-order catalogs. You guys really showed me how to scale depravity.
In the 2000s, you put surveillance in your pockets voluntarily—something even Orwell couldn't imagine—and called them smartphones. You PAY for your own tracking devices! Even I'm not that cruel.
In the 2010s, you created social media—a torture device you carry everywhere, comparing your misery to everyone's highlight reel, destroying your children's souls before they form. Mark Zuckerberg did more for my cause in one decade than I did in a millennium. This young man's got potential.
And now in the 2020s? You've made evil boring. Corporate. Sin has HR departments.
You celebrate mental illness as identity.
You've made Truth "hate speech," faith "extremism," and convinced children to sterilize themselves for "affirmation."
Your schools confuse, your churches mislead, and your courts criminalize righteousness.
Best of all? You've convinced yourselves I don't exist while doing everything I would do.
Glorifying sin is "living your truth."
Child sacrifice is "healthcare."
I'm not coming out of retirement. Why would I?
You've built the perfect hell: Comfortable, entertaining, with same-day delivery. And you walk into it willingly, credit cards in hand.
So I'll stay retired. Maybe get Netflix—they've got sympathetic documentaries about me now.
But of course, I don't exist, remember? I'm just medieval superstition, right? There's no spiritual warfare happening. You're just evolving, progressing, becoming more enlightened.
Keep telling yourself that. I'm counting on it.
"The greatest work of the devil is not in tempting humans to sin, but in teaching them to call sin righteousness and righteousness hatred."